Martha;tales of a newbie

A girl, we’ll call her Martha for the sake of conversation, left her village for the city, her tale is the tale of many, she left to attend campus, or, as it is known by the locals at the drinking den where her father is Oprah, ‘kambus’. When she got to school she new no one, being a deliberate introvert, she stayed friendless for the two weeks before the archives hit town. her reasons were selfish, she, like most girls, hated any guy who was at her level and the few newbie guys who as so much as happened to look her way ‘talked to the hand’. She had been given loads of advice before she reported, and she knew that campus guys were (and actually are) all about promulgating newbies. She wasn’t some village ing’oho to be laid by just anyone.
Day one of the archives reporting and she made a new friend while queuing at the campus cafeteria, she was a fourth year who said her name was Judy, hot, fleshy, succulent and pleasant. For the one week they bonded, Judy made our girl Martha eve doubt her sexuality, her helpfulness and kindness were goddess-like, the way she talked and handled her business was so sisterly, she cared for Martha like she was a nipple made of wax. Saturday and our two girls board a matatu to the city to shop, or as Judy calls it, to ;pimp Martha and get rid of all that 'muchatha-ness'. Martha is overjoyed, she dreams like any girl does, get to campus, style up, enjoy the freedom, get a live Prince Charming (dead people are perfect you know?).And just incase horny comes to worst, she has Judy for the threesome(and you thought village girls had no fantasies that went further than getting laid on the river bank).First stop, shoe-shopping, Martha fit to nice pairs of wedges and is even kind enough to get Judy a pair of flat shoes(the plastic 1s-sandak?talk about fashion recycling itself)To pay the 350 shillings, she removes her purse, removes 1000bob from the stack of 16 such notes she has been keeping there because she has no bank account yet.
Our two girls then stroll leisurely to a noisy man selling tops for, as he chants all day TOPS MIA!MBROUSE MIA(his words, not mine).Martha spots a nice baby pink top and she wants it. Judy offers to hold her bag and the shoes as she tries it on, and without second thought, Martha hands her the bag and shoes, takes the top from the noisy-now-quiet guy and tries it on. It gets stuck as she takes it off and she takes a minute sorting her braids to allow the garment to come off, by which time she has made up her mind, to buy it because, I hear later, the top must be small enough to hold everything together(is this true ladies, or should I be stoned?)”What do you think Judy?”Wait, no Judy? Where is she? Martha tries to relax; maybe Judy saw something nice and went to check it out.”Huyo dame tulikuwa nay eye umeona ameendaje?”She asks the now-noisy-again vendor. He poses in the middle of his chant like a scratched record, shrugged, and then finished it off “…….mBROUSE MIA”. No Judy, no bag, and no bag means no 16k in brown notes, no China Mobile our Judy lives so much, no make-up she just bought, no shoes, to sum it all up, Judy pinched in broad daylight and Martha is now standing in the middle of a foreign market with that numb feeling you get when you’ve been robbed, that feeling like you can turn back time. The question remains, who was Judy and why is it that to a newbie, all people look the same even now Martha isn’t even sure if Judy was human or even a student. Experience, they say is that ugly teacher you hated so much, the one who walked in on Day 1 and gave you a CAT without even giving you a lesson.

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FRESHER MANUALS; GET A GUY BY THE TEAM HE SUPPORTS!

I think karma didn’t want me to write this blog post, the first one I had was deleted in a  technological mishap and as any budding writer knows, you can never repeat a piece, even  when it was never read. That notwithstanding, the original research I did was for freshers who wanted help on how to choose among all the hungry wolves’ realized that the ‘good guy bad guy’ way doesn’t work past kindergarten this days, so, what’s the nearest replacement? I engaged two friends and a barman, all supporting different football teams and the results, mostly biased, speak for themselves.

So, freshers, dig in! I might be the closest you ever get to a Dr. Phil in these tough lands, Archives, those who’ve already been promulgated) it doesn’t hurt to sharpen your skills, does it. Let’s indulge then…….

ARSENAL (THE GUNNERS)

Do not be cheated by their alias, having the same name as the canon doesn’t necessarily mean they are well endowed, mostly, it actually means the opposite,(remember ‘men with big toys…..’).There are unconfirmed rumors that both napoleon and Hitler, who had a single nut each, were fans of this team, what the relation is I don’t know yet. The gays among the are still deep within the closet, and this fans will more often be like that untidy cousin of yours, and am talking Dan Quayle clumsy, might actually miss ‘the spot’.

They are jealous and are most likely to either start a fight or commit suicide. They no almost nothing about foreplay and postmortem cuddling, but are quite well experienced in the game. They will more oft than not try to use the ‘sweet-wrapper’ argument to not use rubber,.

Arsenal fans are macho men; they are men who are what men are ideally in matters macho. They are violent goons that sleep, eat, drink and crap football. They will most likely sing about how well they hump, or what new style they have. Because they live football, your sexual encounter might actually remain a secret if you do it days before an arsenal game. Abstain on the material day though, its said that they are temporarily impotent before games, worse if they are facing Manchester United. They are most likely to use 10 bob condoms and might actually dress one in the FLY EMIRATES jersey. Worst case scenario, they yell ARSENE WENGER during intercourse, don’t be alarmed, role play!

 

MANCHESTER UNITED(THE RED DEVILS)

I know what you are expecting but no, the devils are not so different from the canons, sorry, gunners. But unlike the rough Gunners, the devils tend to be timid and bully-able, this makes them lethal, because they will sleep with all your girlfriends and you will never know. Most are thought to be gay, but many are just too concerned about their looks. They pretend to not notice how much you mean to them. they might get carried away during foreplay, and forget to move to the next stage…

They will do anything for the shag and are the most easy to manipulate, they know how to play safe and always, even in dry seasons, carry at least three different brands of rubber in their wallets.And they still have swag that should have ended in the 80s.

CHELSEA (THE BLUES)

THE BLUES are just like your Monday blues, annoying and persistent. They will most likely chase you and all your girlfriends before finally settling on you, if you are the easiest that is. Quiet as a church mouse during coitus, everything changes when they spill, then the whole town knows and ‘Formica inafunikwa’ to celebrate your surrender. Actually, they will sing about it and remind you of how well they satisfied you(which might most likely not be true)until they get horny and need you again. If you want to get laid by the Town Crier and the GUNNERS are not your thing, then you need a Chelsea fan. And forget that they always brag about their rich uncle.

MANCHESTER CITY

You are wondering whether they do exist and the answer is yes, although an endangered species, this are the guys you should keep away from if you believe in the fact that BIG men are not entirely blessed then avoid this pack! They are most likely to splash cash in the hope that you’ll fall for them, but be warned, they ‘OVERPROMISE and under deliver’,Think STUDDED.

REAL MADRID

Exotic gentlemen, most of the are gay and/or bisexual and don’t give a **** about who knows. They are most likely very rich or spendthrift and will try to ‘buy off’ your current boyfriend by buying him booze and sleeping with you when your beau switches off. If you are into weird fantasies, anything with ropes and whips, they are said to be the kings at it, legend has been whispered that they can put this all in 1 quickie, but am yet to meet a girl who praises this lot.

They are most likely to use DUREX in the hope that you’ll notice the effort and reward accordingly(lavishly) but be honest girls, do you really know the difference??

BARCELONA

They are the GUNNERS of Spain, they are the conservative anti-gay type, or  superficially so. If a guy friend of yours has an ugly friend he’s been trying to hook you up with, then you know the Barcelona Modus Operandi. They always roll with the hot guys, you will never fail to notice them, they are those guys who will try to sleep with you when their friend, who happens to be your current, is away in the loo taking a leak.

SPAIN

Keep away from this breed, any man who still supports Spain 3 months after the World Cup is dangerous because they under promise and under deliver, and are most likely to get you pregnant with just that 1 spill. They don’t believe in Paul the Octopus so to them karma isn’t a bitch, she just bloody doesn’t exist!

BRAZIL

Old school and potent, they still have the swag of yester years and will lay you in the missionary position because it’s the only they know.

FRANCE

If you ever teased a guy and he got MAD, then you know how Sarkozy’s troop is. They used to be good, and will remind you of what your sister said when they laid her eons ago in primary school.

LOCAL LEAGUE

Wild noisy packs, they will try to lay you like a game of pool,1 ball at a time. They play the local leagues, and the closest they might come to a kinky fantasy is the headman’s obese wife. they are wild and annoying and know COMPLETELY nothing about foreplay. Virgins, take heed, if he is anything AFC,GOR or SOFAPAKA, sleep with him only if you have a death wish and a willing compatible blood donor, The guy will most likely have very low specifications of what they want in a girl, they will sleep with any girl who can (feign)an orgasm in his(not necessarily your)mother tongue. They are most likely to use government-issue condoms.

Although an exotic breed is emerging, most still owe allegiance to the EPL and their section in this manual is the paragraphs above.

INDEPENDENTS

Men who have no particular team, this is a breed that has mostly been misinterpreted as gay, but don’t be fooled they will sleep with you and all your roomies and none of you will ever know, different names, different MO. They are manipulative because they are different and know it, they are most likely to ‘hit and walk’ to that friend you made during registration, even archives are afraid of them because they don’t live for any team, they are wild, untamed and yet still clean-cut and gentlemen. they are loyal but if you are a fan of a team listed above yourself, they will treat you as per how your team behaves. they are independents, anything is, even orgies, Including certain species of fish are not too far off for them.

 

So, yes, now you have the gospel as per my letters to the Fresherians, as I apply for witness protection, get yourself a man!

THE BLOG IS BORN!

I know whats going on through your mind,a guy keeping a diary?there's something gay about that,well,at least thats what an 'honest' friend told me.And to add Iraq to Islamophobia,a campus guy?
Its not really a diary,its a journal of sorts,a place where I come to try scrap the rust from the steel trap that is is my mind,which is a futile Venture but ild rather die trying.
And i know the idea is n0t really original,i kinda 'stole',wait,absorbed,or maybe got inspired by Savvy Kenya (OBVIOUSLY not her real name but thats the beauty of it)So the question on your mind is,what don't I(you in this case)know about the life of a campus guy in Kenya and everywhere else?The retort?ALOT!
I have a weird feeling,call it intuition,the ticklish nipple or the vibrating tail,that ladies will enjoy this blog more than guys,which is a good thing,OF COS!So,will he start talking about fresher hunts,the condom tales,exploits,the ever-exiled roommate,the hornytoad friends,food(already started)?Will he tell us what guys look for in a campus girl(which I would right now if it wasn't as simple as AS LONG AS ITS A GURL!!0h no,did I just?)?Will he tell as about the gay community in campus,or the lesbian congregation?About the orgy organisations and the freemasons-like secret organisations where the sacrifice is chastity?
Well,in due time,all in due time.

Campus:Food is NOT only for the stomach

 (THIS BLOGPOST IS NOT A 100% ORIGINAL,language is owned by the people who make it,so,to the creative minds of all those who frequent vibandaz and to a good friend of mine who compiled the first list)

Anyone who is in campus definitely knows a thing or two about kibanda language,we all use it,sometimes it is so embedded in conversation we actually forget the original name of the food,you can blame it on the 'hoteliers' who keep chalkboards for menus)
While there is no 'start from the outside' kind of etiquette,the unspoken rule is that no item on the menu retains its 'legal' name,and,the crazier,the better.


1. Chapati dunga - chapati is rolled and pierced with a fork,the number of forks equal the number of chapatis ordered.

2. Chapati dondosa - this is where a chapati is served whole and served while floating on thick soup.

3. Chapati msalaba - sliced into four equal quarters. The cuttings resemble a cross and hence the tag 'msalaba',but don't be cheatd,the surface area changes,NOT!

4. Chapati kifagio- sliced into many thin vertical strips to resemble something tht woud fit better in a round of Quid-ditch,without Harry Potter

5. Chapati chafua- chapati is sliced into many pieces as possible, approximately 3.5 centimeteres squared (do the math)

6. Chapati mbao/ chapati mawe - this is a dry chapati, for the day when there is a hole in your pocket,it is suicidal.

7. Ugali saucer/ wembe/discount/kajamo-This 1 am sure you have heard of,it is for those days when 1 serving is just not enough or you have an xtra 20bob you found on your way to the kibanda.

8. Ugali mlima- this is a chunk of ugali served only to professionals and is usually served with a warning. 'ukikosa kuimaliza, utaongeza kumi',whether its a threat or a promise,i have never risked finding out.

9. Tumbukiza - this is where meat is overboiled until the meat is very soft. Usually served without salt. Tumbukiza SPECIAL has no bones which sometimes leads me think its more of aslum 'special'.

10. Kahawa kifo- so you have done kahawa chungu! This is worse. It usually contains lots of 'kahawa no 1' and is overboiled till its black. its then served without sugar. Its literally burnt coffee and i suspect its used for lethal injections.

11. Kaa ndani- this is where a mandazi is made an incision at the side and a delicacy inserted inside of it. So kaa ndani ya sausage is a mandazi with a sausage in it.

12. Jembe ya meno- toothpick

13. Samaki cassette- this is fish which has bones in it. Its served whole whereby a person starts eating it on one side( side A ). Once done, its then turned to the other side (side B). A successful completed eating mission is certified once the only thing left on the plate are intact bones of the fish and the head.

14. Karara- chapati nusu

15. Combat- Githeri

16. Mix/ missile / kadhalika- this is a plate of everything on the soup/stew menu. mostly madondo, sukuma, nyama, ndengu etc. and its ordered with swag(helps if you are from the lakeside), so dont go ati 'nipatie missile 20'! try'haya, hebu nibonde na chapo mix ya kaufourty, na ikuje chapchap kabla niachwe na ndege.

17. Teargas- pilipili,correctly named so because it has madde many a great man weep in front of a girl and not feel embarrassed.

18. C.N.N...Chapati Nne Ndengu

19. R n B -Rice n Beans

20. M.0.U -MBoga 0mellete Ugali

21.D.N.A -Dunga Ndengu Avocado

22.Rice Mchele -this was recently 'invented' in a kiosk,it includes getting two plates of rice,1 has some soup on it and acts as the stew.

am sure at let once in your life,either from neccessity,adventure,coercion,persuasion or just plain naivety,you have ventured ino a kibanda,1 whose centre of gravity is non-existent,what catchy names did you spot on the menu?