FRESHER MANUALS; GET A GUY BY THE TEAM HE SUPPORTS!

I think karma didn’t want me to write this blog post, the first one I had was deleted in a  technological mishap and as any budding writer knows, you can never repeat a piece, even  when it was never read. That notwithstanding, the original research I did was for freshers who wanted help on how to choose among all the hungry wolves’ realized that the ‘good guy bad guy’ way doesn’t work past kindergarten this days, so, what’s the nearest replacement? I engaged two friends and a barman, all supporting different football teams and the results, mostly biased, speak for themselves.

So, freshers, dig in! I might be the closest you ever get to a Dr. Phil in these tough lands, Archives, those who’ve already been promulgated) it doesn’t hurt to sharpen your skills, does it. Let’s indulge then…….

ARSENAL (THE GUNNERS)

Do not be cheated by their alias, having the same name as the canon doesn’t necessarily mean they are well endowed, mostly, it actually means the opposite,(remember ‘men with big toys…..’).There are unconfirmed rumors that both napoleon and Hitler, who had a single nut each, were fans of this team, what the relation is I don’t know yet. The gays among the are still deep within the closet, and this fans will more often be like that untidy cousin of yours, and am talking Dan Quayle clumsy, might actually miss ‘the spot’.

They are jealous and are most likely to either start a fight or commit suicide. They no almost nothing about foreplay and postmortem cuddling, but are quite well experienced in the game. They will more oft than not try to use the ‘sweet-wrapper’ argument to not use rubber,.

Arsenal fans are macho men; they are men who are what men are ideally in matters macho. They are violent goons that sleep, eat, drink and crap football. They will most likely sing about how well they hump, or what new style they have. Because they live football, your sexual encounter might actually remain a secret if you do it days before an arsenal game. Abstain on the material day though, its said that they are temporarily impotent before games, worse if they are facing Manchester United. They are most likely to use 10 bob condoms and might actually dress one in the FLY EMIRATES jersey. Worst case scenario, they yell ARSENE WENGER during intercourse, don’t be alarmed, role play!

 

MANCHESTER UNITED(THE RED DEVILS)

I know what you are expecting but no, the devils are not so different from the canons, sorry, gunners. But unlike the rough Gunners, the devils tend to be timid and bully-able, this makes them lethal, because they will sleep with all your girlfriends and you will never know. Most are thought to be gay, but many are just too concerned about their looks. They pretend to not notice how much you mean to them. they might get carried away during foreplay, and forget to move to the next stage…

They will do anything for the shag and are the most easy to manipulate, they know how to play safe and always, even in dry seasons, carry at least three different brands of rubber in their wallets.And they still have swag that should have ended in the 80s.

CHELSEA (THE BLUES)

THE BLUES are just like your Monday blues, annoying and persistent. They will most likely chase you and all your girlfriends before finally settling on you, if you are the easiest that is. Quiet as a church mouse during coitus, everything changes when they spill, then the whole town knows and ‘Formica inafunikwa’ to celebrate your surrender. Actually, they will sing about it and remind you of how well they satisfied you(which might most likely not be true)until they get horny and need you again. If you want to get laid by the Town Crier and the GUNNERS are not your thing, then you need a Chelsea fan. And forget that they always brag about their rich uncle.

MANCHESTER CITY

You are wondering whether they do exist and the answer is yes, although an endangered species, this are the guys you should keep away from if you believe in the fact that BIG men are not entirely blessed then avoid this pack! They are most likely to splash cash in the hope that you’ll fall for them, but be warned, they ‘OVERPROMISE and under deliver’,Think STUDDED.

REAL MADRID

Exotic gentlemen, most of the are gay and/or bisexual and don’t give a **** about who knows. They are most likely very rich or spendthrift and will try to ‘buy off’ your current boyfriend by buying him booze and sleeping with you when your beau switches off. If you are into weird fantasies, anything with ropes and whips, they are said to be the kings at it, legend has been whispered that they can put this all in 1 quickie, but am yet to meet a girl who praises this lot.

They are most likely to use DUREX in the hope that you’ll notice the effort and reward accordingly(lavishly) but be honest girls, do you really know the difference??

BARCELONA

They are the GUNNERS of Spain, they are the conservative anti-gay type, or  superficially so. If a guy friend of yours has an ugly friend he’s been trying to hook you up with, then you know the Barcelona Modus Operandi. They always roll with the hot guys, you will never fail to notice them, they are those guys who will try to sleep with you when their friend, who happens to be your current, is away in the loo taking a leak.

SPAIN

Keep away from this breed, any man who still supports Spain 3 months after the World Cup is dangerous because they under promise and under deliver, and are most likely to get you pregnant with just that 1 spill. They don’t believe in Paul the Octopus so to them karma isn’t a bitch, she just bloody doesn’t exist!

BRAZIL

Old school and potent, they still have the swag of yester years and will lay you in the missionary position because it’s the only they know.

FRANCE

If you ever teased a guy and he got MAD, then you know how Sarkozy’s troop is. They used to be good, and will remind you of what your sister said when they laid her eons ago in primary school.

LOCAL LEAGUE

Wild noisy packs, they will try to lay you like a game of pool,1 ball at a time. They play the local leagues, and the closest they might come to a kinky fantasy is the headman’s obese wife. they are wild and annoying and know COMPLETELY nothing about foreplay. Virgins, take heed, if he is anything AFC,GOR or SOFAPAKA, sleep with him only if you have a death wish and a willing compatible blood donor, The guy will most likely have very low specifications of what they want in a girl, they will sleep with any girl who can (feign)an orgasm in his(not necessarily your)mother tongue. They are most likely to use government-issue condoms.

Although an exotic breed is emerging, most still owe allegiance to the EPL and their section in this manual is the paragraphs above.

INDEPENDENTS

Men who have no particular team, this is a breed that has mostly been misinterpreted as gay, but don’t be fooled they will sleep with you and all your roomies and none of you will ever know, different names, different MO. They are manipulative because they are different and know it, they are most likely to ‘hit and walk’ to that friend you made during registration, even archives are afraid of them because they don’t live for any team, they are wild, untamed and yet still clean-cut and gentlemen. they are loyal but if you are a fan of a team listed above yourself, they will treat you as per how your team behaves. they are independents, anything is, even orgies, Including certain species of fish are not too far off for them.

 

So, yes, now you have the gospel as per my letters to the Fresherians, as I apply for witness protection, get yourself a man!